97 Bottles of Beer

Hi Everyone,

That song, 97 bottles of beer on the wall is bouncing around in my brain. I should change the words to 97 days until I am able to take a bottle of beer off the wall. Happy early Memorial Day. This day takes on a special meaning this year, seeing where I am at. I ask that each of you take a moment to reflect pray etc. for all those who gave the ultimate sacrifice keeping us safe. I am plugging along here. I am about half over. For those who are Indianapolis 500 fans, tune into the race on Sunday. There is a good chance that I will be on television. The race is at 9:00pm local time, which is 1pm Eastern Daylight time, 11 am Mountain time. ABC Sports will be filiming the soldiers watching the race. If you get the chance check out this website. There is a great article about my friend, 1 LT Sean Harshey who put together this awesome chin dig for race fans in Iraq. The website is http://www.indianapolismotorspeedway.com/news/story.php?story_id=6669 As they say in military speak, NSTR (nothing significant to report). The overpaid FOBITs grate on my nerves and the Blackwater Mercinaries (the private security company here in Iraq who has had many problems) still turn my stomach with their tight fitting under armor shirts that fit ever so nicely around their pot bellies. I have included some random pictures to include one monkey misadventure. The conversation went something like this. "Hey turn down here, I am pretty sure that we can get across the canal and to the PX if we just keep going." As you can see from the above picture, it was no shortcut. I have also included a Seamus on Sadaam's throne picture. I will talk to you soon.

You Know you are a FOBIT When.....

Greetings Everyone,

Well I have completed and am about to start another week in Paradise. I should explain what is meant by the title. FOB is Army speak for Forward Operating Base. Those who do not get outside the walls/gate (by their own desire not to leave or those not allowed to, which would be me) are called FOBITs. It is not my choice but it is what it is. Well you know you are a FOBIT when you see and read pretty funny emails about other FOBITS who are self important and complain a lot. One such email, was the DFAC (Dining Facility) council meeting. It was a question and answer session. I have included an excerpt from this meeting that was emailed to all other FOBITs here at Camp Victory. We are well fed and, by observing other FOBITs, over fed here at Camp Victory. Here are some of the questions and answers. I find them quite amusing and pathetic at the same time.

Question:
Why does the DFAC put pork in rice? The managers were a little confused some said, they do not put pork in rice, the others said they do.
Answer: Take a look at different stations in the DFAC, we always have plain white rice or rice without meat.

Question:
Why isn't the DFAC open 24/7?
Answer: Contract issue. If a member can not make one of the meals, he or she can take out 3 carryout trays. Translated KBR and Halliburton are too lazy to keep it open.

Question:
Since the DFAC has a Greek stand, why don't you serve Falafals.
Answer: What is a Falafal? We will look into it and put it out there.

Question:
Can you clarify what is a sweaty uniform?
Answer: Any dress attire that is stuck to your body (front or back) drenched of sweat.

Question:
Any comments about the band?
Answer: Music is too loud.

Question:
Why are the fruits unripe?
Answer: We have to order them premature, by the time it’s on the line, hopefully, it’s ripe.

Question: Why not use the Air Force to fly fresh fruit and vegetables to the base.
Response: At this time this is not feasible. [The poor Air Force never catches a break. ]

Question : Requests Rye bread, bigger taco shells, and Jell-O without fruit or anything in it. He also stated that the salt and pepper shakers did not dispense enough salt and pepper and many soldiers would need to unscrew the top off to get enough.

Response: The shakers have just recently been purchased and that in order to get better ones, the military would have to provide funds to replace the existing salt and pepper shakers.

As I have said before, War is hell, especially when dealing with FOBITs. On the excitement for real front, there was a lot of naughty hajism near and around Camp Victory this past week as the new government was seated. I was locked in my trailer for about two hours on Friday afternoon as a firefight occurred outside the gate and near my trailer. Last week two intellgent naughty hajis proved how smart they were by blowing themselves up right outside the gate Camp Victory. I was at church as it shook the chapel. I figure what better place to be. Thanks again for all your well wishes, care packages and prayers. I feel unworthy to accept them, seeing that I live in such luxury while my fellow soldiers outside the wire get shot at each and every day and are lucky to get a hot meal once a week as I sit in an air conditioned office and read funny email minutes about how bad our chow hall is. Take care and thanks for reading.

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day,

I was fortunate enough to get through to my mother this morning, which was great. If you are reading mother, happy Mothers Day. In honor of this occassion, I have posted a very special picture drawn for me by Evan in order to celebrate Mothers Day. Evan is a 1st Grader in Ms. Meany's class. I want to thank her and her 1st graders for giving me the pictures. All of them have better handwriting and drawing skills than me and I have been out of first grade for a while. Evan if you are reading, it is pretty cool that you want to go to Iraq. I am sure if you ask your mom in a few years, she will likely say yes. I know mine did to a certain extent. If you haven't called your mothers today please do it. I will talk to you all very soon. Thanks again for the well wishes and care packages. I also want to congratulate to the Diablo Nation on their two wins on the PSSBL opening day. I am there in spirit playing with you guys.

A Long Strange Day about Nothing

Much Like Seinfield is a show about nothing, my day yesterday was a day about nothing. What began as a regular WTF day here in Baghdad, ended 22 hours later and about two hours of sleep and here I am again. As I like to say, I am winning the war one spreadsheet at a time. As the day/night progressed so did my imagination. Once straight columns in my spreadsheet began to do the wave across the page. In fact I think I heard one singing Mr. Sandman to me at one point during the night. The best line of the night came from the boss at 0100 who said "Accuracy is key guys so be careful."

On top of the madness I described above, Dougie Fresh's (The Silverback and fifth monkey) replacement came in. He is a Navy Lt (an 0-3 for those military type keeping count) and Maj Bling got off to a great start. Apparently the Navy Lt does not like the word French. Maj Bling picked up on this and the following conversation ensued:

B: Hey Frenchie can you hand me that paper.
F: I prefer either Lt. Blah or Blah
B: Whatever it is not my fault you can't take a joke
(Bling then proceeds to tear up paper and throw it his way)
Monkeys in the back: Hey you should call her Maj Bling.
F: Here is the paper you asked for Maj B, with your Bartolo Colon earings.

There is a reason why I want to go beyond the gates of Victory. I have included a couple of pictures of the latest dust storm, which include the four monkies. Enjoy. I also want to thank all those who have sent me care packages during my time here. It is always great to get mail from folks back home. It means so much to me.

5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and bumped his head, now it's four little monkeys jumping on the bed.....

That is what happened this week figurately speaking as we lost one of our monkeys, affectionately known as the Silveback Monkey Emeratus. CPT M or Doug E fresh redeployed (that is Army talk for taking the happy plane home). These events come and go in a deployed environment, much like people coming and going in an airport. Although this time, when I heard the C-130 roll down the strip about 0800 or so this morning, I knew it was our Silverback riding the vine in the sky home. Doug E if you are reading have a safe flight and may all of your drinks between here and there be cold and contain booze. We are now down to four little monkeys with two wannabes. It will not be the same. I have included a picture of the five monkeys and the rest of our WTF gang. Another wild and week of the wierd has almost come to an end. I can honestly describe this week as WTF. Anyway enough rambling and code talk.

It is really heating up here in Hajiland. The high today was 98 with a heat index of a 108. What am I going to do when it really gets hot? I am still working on getting outside the wire to see how the other half lives. I still have about 118 days or so to figure it out. The monkies continue to perfect the art of apple fishing. Apple (kiwis work better as they travel through the water faster) fishing is basically luring a bunch of Sadaam's mutant type fish from his lake of death to the surface with oatmeal, tortillas, apple jacks, Oreos and other assorted office goodies. After doing that we atempt to hit said fish with the apple core or other fruit of choice. It is built into our work day that each morning and afternoon we try such a feat. There is one big fish. We call him big Jake. He has a brother named Fat Fred. Each day we attempt to lure them up and each day the mock us. They are wise to us. The last couple of days have been spent winning their hearts and minds so to speak with just feedings. While this may seem chidlish and somewhat cruel to an outsider, it provides many hours of laughter and breaks up the duldrums of "war." I also have another Haji Day to look forward to tomorrow. Happy Haji Eve to all who are reading.