Mail Call

Greetings,

This is another installment in the ongoing sitcom reality show that is the WTF. This happened several weeks ago and it is only now that I can actually sit down and attempt to describe it without cracking up laughing. It involves the two most unforgetable characters at the WTF, LTC Highspeed and LDCR Jake or as we call him "Jake."

It all started in WTF fashion. The monkeys were all upstairs doing what it is that we do here in Iraq. The click of keyboards and silence (LTC Highspeed does not like talking) filled the room. The silence was then broken by LTC Highspeed. With a clinched jaw and red face he "announces" "GUYS I NEED YOU ALL TO DROP WHAT YOUR DOING AND LISTEN UP." The monkeys then stop. LTC Highspeed chimes in again. "I am forwarding you an email. I need you to all read it and tell me what you think. There is a deadline on this at 18:00!." The email was recieved at about 17:30. After a few minutes of reading, we all begin to discuss what LTC Highspeed emailed us. We quietly chat among ourselves as to what the issue was. Again in his, booming I am going to blow a gasket at any time voice, he "announces," "Guys!!! I am really trying to concentrate, do you mind?!" Once again the look of WTF appears on all of our faces, especially in light of him asking us for our help.

At this point "Jake." enters. Our office door is shut and sticks in our office if you shut it all the way and then try to open it. If you push on it too hard it comes flying open. We call this Kramering through the door. For those who watch Seinfield you will pickup on the reference. Anyway, Jake Kramers through the door very loudly just after LTC Highspeed's warning to the monkeys not to speak. In his jovial and carefree way, he makes his rounds through our office with a notepad and attempts to get each of our job descriptions. This is important but clearly not the time do to it as LTC High Speed is about to explode. After several death glares by LTC Highspeed, "Jake" exits the room, pulling the door shut behind him and making more noise. "Jake" Kramers through the door a couple of other times, inquiring what we are doing. Each time he enters LTC Highspeed's face gets more red as he clenche his jaw tighter.

Jake enters the room for a final time, only this time his arms are filled with boxes. As he Kramer's through the room he annonces very loudly "MAIL CALL.!" At this point LTC Highspped explodes and yells "SERIOUSLY!!!! WE ARE TRYING TO WORK!" Jake, with boxes in hands, tiptoes to an open desk and sets the boxes down and replies." I am setting these boxes down. I am going to put them right here," pointing the desk where he set down the mail. After setting down the boxes, he slowly begins to back out of our office. As he backed out of the room he says, in what he thinks is a quiet voice, to LTC HighSpeed "You won't even hear me I am being quiet... I am going... I am going..." You won't even know that I am here. I am leaving and I am shutting the door." Jake as he is talking, he backed toward the door as if he were trying to tiptoe toward the door. His attempt to shut the door softly fails. He gives the door one final pull slamming it shut. Meanwhile, all of the monkeys had lost focus on the project at hand. We all hypnotically stared at the desk where the boxes were, each of us hoping that one of them would be ours and wondering what we recieved.

28 Days and counting.......

Stuff we Get

One of the most exciting things here at the WTF is getting packages. The outpouring from friends and families in the form of subsistence, letters and other items is awesome. Thank you. As with most of my posts, I have come up a list of the most unforgetable things that people have sent to our office.

Three cans of Progressive Soup
Raman Noodles
A can of prune juice (thanks Nathan)
garder belt, bra and wedding veil from a bachelorette party or as old schoolers call it a Hen party (A shout goes out to Brent, his fiance Jen, Nicole and Bill. You forgot to send the bridesmaids though. ;) )
Wrist Bands (June after all was fitness month. Isn't the wrist band model pictured below dead sexy? A shout goes out to my WV sista Capt K "aka"Kizzie. She is in the hizzie.)
Toy Dinasaurs
Funny Teeth
Ms Meany's First Grade Class drawings.
Easter Toys
Whoopie cushion

A First Lieutenant (1LT) No More

Well it's official......

It was close but I have pinned (actually it is velcroed on these days) on as a Captain or CPT as they abbreviate it in the Army. It was pretty cool being able to have a guy with two stars on his uniform and more to come I am sure pin/velcroe me on last night. He offered a trade of his stars for my bars. I kindly declined, especially after seeing what he has to put up with on a daily basis. What also is cool about this promotion is that I did it in a combat zone. I am big on top 10/likes and dislikes lists and this entry will be no exception. I have come up with a list of likes and dislikes about being a 1LT.

Dislikes:

Hearing the joke, you can't spell lost without LT.
Hearing a senior enlisted guy say "LT I have more leave time than you have in the Army."
Hearing a Private First Class, (an enlisted E-3 ) after saluting you and your CPT friends, say "Good morning Sirs" only to turn directly to you say "Mornin' LT."
Having to salute almost every officer in the Army. It always seems to happen outside the DFAC(dining facility for those still tracking the military alaphabet.)
Getting blank and sometimes sympathetic looks from my active duty Judge Advocate Counter parts who pin on CPT within 6 months of joining the Army.
Doing CPT level work and getting paid as a 1LT

Likes:
Being able to utilize the excuse and or explaination that "Oh I am just LT."
Having your boss say "Oh he is just a 1LT he did not know that you weren't supposed to wave to the General and say "what's up?"
Being able to make a "1LT mistake." From what I hear if you make a mistake as a Captain they cut off your hands.
Having very little bling (ribbons and the like) on your uniform. Ribbons get very expensive after a while and its difficult to remember where they go. (See my next like below)
Having an NCO, shake their head, laugh at you and say "Sir you might not want to do it that way." and then help you. Or better yet, they say "Sir I will take care of that for you." I give a shout out to SFC Baker and SFC Sato on this one. Officers always take care of your senior enlisted and Non-commissioned Officers. They truly run the show. :)

Seriously though, this is a great point in my career. I want to really thank my family and close friends for all of their support not only during this deployment but during my military career. I would also like to thank all of those senior to me, both enlisted and officer for their mentorship. In the Army you have to put up with a lot of BS. I am very thankful to those who have been in longer than me for their assistance in guiding me through and often times yanking me out of the BS. I have been very lucky and blessed to have co-workers, friends and supervisors who have given me valuable life and leadership lessons.

The Trip to Doha, Qatar

Greetings,

I have returned from Doha in one piece. I have broken my trip down into days for your reading pleasure or displeasure.







Day 1: We arive at BIAP (That is the Baghdad International Airport for those keeping track of the military alphabet) at 0800 with a depature time scheduled for 1200. Eight (8) hours or so after getting aquaintied with the terminal, our flight arrives to take us away. It is a lovely C-130. We are off with a combat take off, which means straight up while turning sharply and having your eyes pop out of your head like on Beattle Juice. Our original destination is Kuwait, which is a quick trip of about an hour and a half. One hour ticks by and gradually my legs start to fall asleep and with so much leg room in the plane I really can't move. Finally after about three hours the load master (e.g. a guy in the flight suit who thinks he is a pilot) informs us that we will not be landing in Kuwait but will be continuing on to Qatar. This isn't so bad, I guess . Although that means another hour or so in the cargo plane with 30 or so of my closest friends and neighbors. I really think that boxes fit much better in a C-130 than people do. Another three hours or so tick by. We are told again that we have not been cleared to land in Qatar. Back to Kuwait it is. Finally after about what seems to be forever we are cleared to land in Qatar. We arrive at Qatar a little before 2200. Once again we are herded into a little room to wait for a bus ride. We finally arrive at our destination. We are checked into a giant cordoned off warehouse with sections referred to as "Bays" complete with bunkbeds. It is frigid. We hear a nasty, but we what we hope is true, rumor that the bar in Qatar is open until 0300. Once we get settled we are off in search of a beer. We wander around the area and find the bar. This is no ordinary bar. There is a set of three bars inside another warehouse. There is no roof on the bar and I feel like I am on a movie set. Of course the bar is closed and I guess shooting ended for the day. We go to bed thirsty.

Day 2. After sleeping in, we still wake up thirsty, but figure it is time to get one of the tours that are offered. We settle on the Dhow Boat cruise that will be going out the next day around the Persian Gulf. After getting that settled, we find out the correct hours for drinking. After an aftenoon of movie watching and finding our way around post. It should be noted that they do not give out maps due to security reasons and there are no pictures on base because they were mortared three years ago and a Brit lost his life. It should also be noted that Baghdad and the fighting are a ways away from this place. Anyway we make our way to the pub. It was not the "set" bar but a free standing club called the Oasis. At long last we get the first of our three daily beers. Of course we pick alcohol content over taste. After sitting at the Oasis club and watching "Soul Line Dancing" we decided we had had enough and left.

Day 3. It is Boat Cruise Day. The day started out great. On the bus ride down to the docks we met a very nice and attractive female Marine Captain named Beth. The cruise was great as we were able to take in the sites and eat an authentic haji barbeque aboard the ship. After touring around the Persian Gulf and swimming we head back to the "set" for our beers. With our new friend along we figure that we can get more bang for our buck and convince her to give up some of her beer. Lucky for us she doesn't like beer all that much so she leaves it on the table. Oops her mistake.

Day 4. Happy 21st Birthday for the 17th time CPT HarsheyAfter a stellar day on the water, we arise at a decent our from our "bay" to enjoy a nice day around Camp As Salayh (near Doha Qatar). It is a very special day for a very special boy. It is Harshey's birthday. In honor of his birthday we take him to the Chili's. This day would not be complete without a regular WTF moment. Harshey attempts to order a bacon cheese burger. However, because we are in a Muslim (e.g. Hagi for those UN PC folks reading) Country, there is no bacon available. I offer to go to our dining facility (The DFAC in military speak) to pick up some bacon for his sandwich. At that point, Harshey comes up with a new word and one which is hajicon lexicon worthy. The word is infidelicious. Here I pause to add it. Infidelicious adj. 1. To enjoy something that is infidel in an non-infidel country. Harshey found his real bacon cheeseburger to be infidelicious.After our lovely dinner we head to a concert. This is no ordinary concert. We are going to see a country singer. The general consensus was this particular artist either, in the past, now or both, has exercised her 1st Amendment right to "dance." You can check her out at http://www.gingerlewis.com/ and decide for yourself. According to her bio, she "has revolutionized country music and she is as talented as she is beautiful." As we drink our three or so beers, the music gets better. At this point another word is created for the hajicon lexicon although this is a universal one.Beer phones. n 1. What one develops after drinking beer to make any band playing music sound tolerable. See also hajigoogles, beergoogles, coyote ugly. After two beers, Seamus drank beer, put on his beer phones making the concert sound okay.After a couple of hours of fun. Ms. Lewis herself came to sing Happy Birthday to Harshey. Once again a good time was had by all and it was a blast helping Harshey celebrate his 21st birthday.

Day 5. After a hard night of three or so beers and celebrating we once again lounge around. Capt S and I decide to sign up for a sponsor to take us into Doha proper. We get a very nice and interesting sponsor to take us around the city. Our first stop is some authentic Qatarian cuisine, Applebees. This is like any other normal Applebees. There is a bunch of Americana junk nailed to the walls. However, and you knew this was coming, WTF moment whatever at this point. Just as we sit down, a man dressed in a very elaborate mandress comes in along with his three wives and little kids. The wives, of course are covered from head to toe all in black. In the meantime we have the Backstreet Boys playing followed by Britney Spears. What a country. After eating we venture to a somewhat more Qatarian experience the Souke Markets. However when we get there virtually everything is closed because it is "naptime." From the hours of 1pm to 4pm everything shuts down so people can nap. The work day, keep in mind, usually starts around 10am. What a life. Unfortunately my quest for a mandress fell short on this trip. We also made one final stop to the mall. It was your normal mall, except there were prayer rooms next to the restrooms and there was an equivilent to Ikea.

Day 6. It is time to head back to the WTF. After a great trip of relaxation and fun it is time to come home. A good time was had by all. We were all tan, rested and not ready to return. The upside is now I have only 42 days left in paradise.

Convoy

Cause we gotta little ol' convoy, rockin' through the night Yeah we gotta little ol' convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on an' join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna git in our way We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy, cross the USA [Baghdad] Convoy... Convoy...

For once I am not describing throwing fruit at fish, or the ever evolving sitcom that is the WTF 134. I finally got to be a real soldier today. As you can see from the lyrics by legend CW McCall, I went on my first convoy today. I performed duties as truck commander or TC as they say in the military. I was the point man so to speak. It bascially consisted of me keeping my ear in a radio and relaying all communication to our driver while watching for naughty hajis along the stretch of highway affectionatly called the Highway to Hell. It fortunately did not live up to its name today. I was able to lock and load my weapon as we rode outside the wire. I had the anticipation and adreniline flow that the PSD (personal security detail) goes through everyday. I thank them for getting us to our destination and back to Camp Victory safely. It was a very smooth ride, or as smooth as it can be considering where I am at. The fifteen or so minutes it took to complete our route seemed like an eternity on the way down. The IZ (International Zone) as they call it is nice, although it has that U.S. House and Senate Office building mixed with a Radison Hotel look. Many of my friends call it the Land of Milk and Honey. I like to call it the Baghdad branch of the U.S. State Department or contractor hell, depending on your perspective. I have included a photo that I took of the notorious crossed swords. It was a great experience all the way around and it was nice to get out of the office. I have also included one of me right after obtaining my HUMVEE license the other day. The roads of Victory will never be the same. Thanks for reading. I will be heading on pass for a few days and out of touch for a bit. Take care

Happy Fourth of July

Greetings,

I hope you all have a wonderful Fourth of July. Like Memorial Day, the Fourth of July takes on a whole new meaning for me. I certainly miss the fireworks and barbeques and hanging out with friends and family. However, I am also reminded of how much we have in the United States and how much it is taken for granted. Please take a moment to stop and take in everything around you. Read the Declaration of Independence, the Federalist Papers or Constitution. I have learned a lot about perspective since being here. The once important things of getting somewhere quickly or being impatient at the store are all minsicule compared to the daily life of the Iraqi. My heroes are the Iraqi judges, teachers and the citizens. They are true patriots. The teachers and citizens are busy with life despite what goes on around them. The judges have death threats out on them, but they defy those who give them and come to work everyday, knowing it may be their last because they believe so strongly in a rule of law and a free society. Enough of my soapbox. Please remember perspective the next time you get angry, or say that freedom is in jeopardy. It is all about pespective. Eat, drink and be merry. I get to go to the Freedom Concert today and listen to an American Idol Runner Up and drink almost beer. I also found out that I was selected for promotion to Captain. Life is good. Take care.

Chips Ahoy!!!!

Greetings,

There were five monkeys and a Monkey in charge jumping on the bed. Now we are down to three monkeys, a monkey select and no Monkey In Charge jumping on the bed. It was a sad week as we lost our beloved leader to re-deployment. I wish her as well as the chosen monkey safe travels home. My co-workers and I compare this place to a reality show. It is properly named The WTF 134. I am checking to see if the WB or Fox will pick it up. We just completed Season I with the cast of characters that included folks like Major Bling. With her departure, a whole new cast of characters have arrived. I like to call them the Navy. They are here to save the day. We have a Navy Lt. Commander (an equivilent to an Army Major) He is a jovial fellow, very animated and full of stories and drawn out explanations. What makes it even more entertaining is our hgh speed and tightly wound Army Lt. Col. Because he is so full of energy and our Lt. Col is the way he is, he channels Jake's energy by giving him projects. One such project is a new personnel trailer. With our new cast so to speak, we have more people than computers. (I know what you are thinking WTF?). Anyway, his new project is to get this trailer up and running. What makes this even funnier and yet another WTF moment is we recieved notice yesterday that we be moving offices in August, which makes Jake's trailer adventure moot. There is never a dull moment. On top of that, I am apparently now a "shipmate." We are miles from water, unless you count Victory Lake, which surrounds our office. I now say "Chips Ahoy!!" whenever someone refers to me as a shipmate. Stay tuned for next week's episode and continuing saga of the WTF 134 season II.